i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
