if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
