Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This house was built for laser tag.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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