i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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