How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
