Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
