In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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