Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My bed smells like the plague
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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