I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I am naked and annoyed.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
