You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
