he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
