I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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