I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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