Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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