you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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