Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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