He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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