The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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