I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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