Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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