dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
