My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Someone shit on the floor
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
