I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
someone owes me an orgasm
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
