I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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