just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
