the condom got lost in my hair
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
