Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
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My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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