i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
