My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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