Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
