let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
