youre lurking in front of me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
