smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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