Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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