one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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