I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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