at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You ruined the universe
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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