Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
