The police scanner is talking about you again....
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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