How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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