Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
