its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
