Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You ruined the universe
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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