I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
