I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
