I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
