Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
