Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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