How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
