so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
