she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
