Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
