never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
