i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
