This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
