in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
