new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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