I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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