She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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