dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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