If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
